Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
