Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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