There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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