That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
