mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
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