Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize