mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
