sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
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