I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize