Umm I'm too high to move.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize