Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
