I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
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