My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Randomize
