she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
