I murdered the dance floor call the cops
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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