His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize