today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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