i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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