the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
sex in a hospital.. check
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Randomize
