Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
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