I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
