I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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