Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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