That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
