Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
