My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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