im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm too high and old for this...
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
