I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
