The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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