Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
