peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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