don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
