Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
