yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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