you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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