Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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