Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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