I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
