you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
