I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
