you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
did i just pee glitter
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
