I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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