i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
