Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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