Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
how does that bad decision feel?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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