Dude my mom stole all your condoms
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Randomize
