Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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