fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
