I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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