matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
