turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
