yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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