Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
