U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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