You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
