now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
