Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
