So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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